You Are Here

You are here.

Wherever “here” is today.

If I were a map with a big red arrow, indicating my own whereabouts, it would look something like this:

You are here: gripping the steering wheel at ten and two, so tight my knuckles are white and my fingers hurt to uncurl. My breaths are an even In-two, Out-two-three, In-two, Out-two-three, and as long as they follow that pattern, I’m safe-two, Out-two-three. And that pothole signals that it’s time to change lanes in 3-2-1-*blinker*-two, Out-two-three. My hands pulse along with my breath, keeping me safe. Because if I don’t do those things, I’m going to die today.

And look, I know that’s not how driving works. I know that’s not how any of this works. But that’s how my anxiety works. That’s how my brain works.

I am here. And here is a terrifying place to be. I’ve been here before, and I’m here yet again. It’s scary because I’m not sure how to get out of this place.

I think that makes any place scarier.

You are here: trapped in the nightmare you’re embarrassed to admit you prayed would find its way into someone else’s dreamless sleep.

You are here: in the ache that consumes your every waking moment.

You are here: in the memories that haunt you.

You are here: in the lonely, the broken, the alone.

You are here: in the seemingly endless struggles.

You are here: in the night that feels like it’ll never end.

You are here: in the happy, the peaceful, the good, the joyful, the lovely, the calm.

You are here: in the here and now.

You are here, wherever here is. Whatever here looks like.

And that is okay.

You’re allowed to be here.

It might be scary. It might not be fun. It might be a hundred other things.

I’ll tell you, where I am right now – barreling down the highway while trying to keep my anxiety happy and fighting off all these crazy premonitions that I’m going to die today (I constantly hear my therapist’s voice in my head reminding me premonitions aren’t real. I believe her. My anxiety doesn’t.) – it SUCKS. It’s scary. It is terrifying. It causes me to want to just stay in bed some days.

Sometimes it is enough to remind myself to do it scared. A lot of times, however, I need something a little stronger than that.

That’s just where I am right now.

AND THAT’S OKAY.

That’s the whole point of this post.

IT’S OKAY TO BE WHERE YOU ARE.

Yes, work to move forward.

Of course, fight for progress.

Sure, take all the small steps you can.

AND allow yourself to be where you are. Because where you are is okay. Even if it’s hard. Even if it’s scary. Even if it’s not the most fun all the time.

Don’t resist it. Don’t fight it. Don’t hide from it. Don’t pretend you’re not there. Because friend, YOU ARE HERE. Work to accept it…as hard as that is.

And trust me, I know it’s hard.

I’m in the trenches with you, friend.