That One Time My Anorexia Won Me $1000

I have a secret. It’s not a very well-kept secret. Nor is it a secret I have any interest in keeping any longer. After all, I’ve been doing a pretty shit job of it lately as it stands.

Depending on how long you and I have been together, you may have been with me through the DJCult/Demonboss/She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named phase, followed by the Beachbody phase, followed by the dark years that even I don’t remember, and now we’re into the current I-don’t-even-know-what-to-call-this-but-I-think-it’s-called-healing phase.

Life is full of phases.

This “secret” dates back to the Beachbody era. I was deeeep into my eating disorder. I was heavily restricting my food intake and my exercise addiction was the worst it had ever been. I was sick all the time, I had physical symptoms telling me – no, screaming at me – that something wasn’t right.

But I was seeing the results I wanted. I was losing weight. And man, was I being praised for it! Everywhere I went I got comments. I even got praise from complete strangers, and I loved the attention. I basked in it.

People who knew my Cinderella story of fat-to-fit asked to take photos with me, and said I was their inspiration for their own weight loss journey. They said I was a role model. Said they were “totally starstruck.”

You want to know my secret?

You reeeeeeally want to know???

*whispers* Come close…

It wasn’t “healthy diet and exercise and balance and moderation and blah blah blah” that helped me lose the weight and win $1000 in a competition against tens of thousands of people.

It was Anorexia that did that. My eating disorder won me $1000.

Of course I knew all the right things to say and do. I can’t tell you how many times someone would ask me what I ate in a day, and I had to make it up because I couldn’t actually share what I ate in a day. Or, uh, what I didn’t…

So I lied.

I did so many interviews.

“Mary, what is the secret to your weight loss success?”

What I SAID: Balance and moderation! Don’t take yourself so seriously all the time! Learn to give yourself some grace. It’s all a learning process.

What I DID: ^^NOT THAT.

In fact, I’m not even going to write what I did, because what I don’t want is for this post to read like your own handy dandy Beginner’s Guide to Anorexia. I don’t want that on my conscience.

So, here it is…what you’ve all come here for today:

If you knew me during my Beachbody/weight loss/fitness days, I owe you an apology.

I lied to you – about my goals, about my process, about the ways in which I was going about meeting my goals. I lied to you about so many things.

Not purposefully, mind you. I was very sick.

I’m sorry for all of these lies. I know I asked many of you to take my hand and trust me to walk alongside you in your journey. I know I asked you to trust me with your stories. I asked you to trust me with your hearts. That is not something I take lightly. That is never something I’ve taken lightly. I still hold these things with utmost care and compassion and gratitude.

I hope what you are able to take from this today is that I was and remain a broken and hurting individual, in need of healing, and forever in need of so much grace.

I have moved forward in my healing journey. I am not the same girl who went into residential treatment last year.

I’ve come through the last 10 solid months of treatment as a more authentic, more free, more passionate version of myself…and I think I like this version a lot better. She’s feisty, unapologetic, compassionate, yet firm.

And this version of myself is not afraid to make a commitment to you today, to be my authentic self, to the very best of my ability.