Recovery Sucks (Or, Doing The Hard Things)

I’ll just say it: recovery sucks. Like, it really freaking sucks. It’s hard, and it’s messy, and it’s ugly, and it’s full of hard stuff.

It’s also full of cliches, like “You can do hard things” and “No rain, no flowers.”

And with every tired cliche comes an exhausted response: I’m tired of doing hard things.

See, I think we have this idea of what recovery is going to look like. (And in case you’re not familiar with eating disorder recovery, let this be a window.)

What we think recovery looks like:

Yoga at sunrise, and saying affirmations (and believing them), and loving ourselves, and eating all the foods we once deemed “bad” with no guilt or anxiety, and hot tea, and deep, cleansing breaths, and candles, and smoothies, and smashing the patriarchy, and embracing ourselves as we are.

What it actually looks like:

Crying on the floor of your therapist’s office for 2 hours and needing a Gatorade afterwards because you’re so dehydrated from crying every last tear.

Throwing toddler-like tantrums because I DON’T WANT TO EFFING DO THIS ANYMORE AND I’M TIRED AND YOU SAID IT GETS BETTER BUT WHEN DOES IT GET BETTER???????

Standing in front of the yogurt at the grocery store, hands shaking, breath shallow and tears streaming down your beet-red face because they don’t have the specific kind you are accustomed to.

It’s crying over a meal one day, but being fine with it the next day. Talk about confusing.

Exhaustion. Existential exhaustion. You’re tired of doing the hard things. Tired of trying so hard. Just tired.

AND…

It looks like fighting. Working. Falling down. Getting back up. Trying new things. Hating those things. Trying them again. Hating them a tiny bit less. Trying them again, and again, and again.

It looks like doing the hard things over and over. Even when you’re tired. Even when you’re weary. Even when you’re not sure you really want to do it anymore.

It looks like overcoming. Little by little. It looks like losing ground, and then taking it back – and using force when necessary.

It sucks. But it’s worth it. Maybe not always in the moment…but in the long run. It’s worth it.