How To Talk To Children About War

I remember the night of 9/11 just as vividly as I remember the events of that day. I sat on the floor, curled up at my mom’s feet, crying. My question was, “Why would someone do something like this?” I asked desperate questions as my mom searched for honest answers that wouldn’t break a 12-year-old.

Last night when anxiety kept me awake again, I absentmindedly scrolled through Facebook. Which, I’ll be the first to admit, is not a good idea, especially when I can’t sleep. It’s full of doom and gloom and war and strife. Important issues…just not the best things to fill my mind with when I’m trying to drift off to dreamland.

I saw an article with the headline How To Talk To Children About War and it grabbed me.

Of course I clicked.

As someone who works with children, I feel it’s important for me to be equipped to answer hard questions and navigate difficult conversations in an appropriate way. So, the more prepared I am, the more I know, the better equipped I am, the more productive and compassionate those conversations can be.

The article was TERRIBLE.

It essentially told you to validate the child’s feelings, and then tell him the war is far away and won’t affect him.

It told you to validate the child’s feelings, and then tell her what you want her to know/believe about the war.

It told you to find out what they already know about the war, and then decide what you want them to know.

The article tried. I could see where the author was going. But it had manipulation written all over it.

Here’s the thing: kids are smart. They see through stuff like that. And more importantly, they deserve more than that. They deserve the truth.

That article inspired me to create my own guide to talking to children about war. I’m not an expert, or a parent, or anything like that. I’m an outsider, a noticer, an observer. I’m just someone who works with children on a daily basis, and I’ve learned a thing or two about communicating with compassion.

A few important things to keep in mind when talking to children about war:

Openness

Let them know you are a safe person to talk to. “Thank you for trusting me,” or “Thank you for coming to me with this,” shows that you honor the space that has been created between you. For a younger child (or any age, really), you can say, “You can always talk to me.” When you create this safe place, they will continue coming back to you.
Welcome questions. Don’t be afraid of questions. They may ask questions you don’t know the answers to. That’s okay! You don’t have to know everything. In fact, there is so much value in saying “I don’t know, but I will do my best to find out for you.”

Compassion

Your language matters. Use compassionate language. Words like, “I know this is scary,” and “It makes sense that you’re feeling some really big feelings right now,” both validate the child’s feelings and show that it’s okay for them to feel those feelings.
Validate their feelings. Let them know whatever they are feeling is okay. Kids are exposed to so many different messages each day, from social media, to the news, to their friends at school, to overhearing parents and teachers, to the radio in the car. We may think they’re “just kids” and they’re sheltered from the news of war and strife, but they know so much more than we think. And they feel the anxiety, the overwhelm, the fear, the uncertainty, the worry that comes along with it. It is so important to validate those feelings. They may be just kids, but they have real feelings.
Show compassion. What does my child need in this moment? How can I help my child feel safe and supported in this moment? How can I offer kindness to my child in this moment? These questions can help guide us as we seek to offer compassion to our children, moment by moment.
Teach compassion. The same way you asked yourself the questions above, you can teach your child to ask herself the same questions about someone else: What does my friend need in this moment? How can I help my friend feel supported in this moment? How can I offer kindness to my friend in this moment? These questions can help offer a foundation for teaching children to show compassion to others around them during this troubling time.

Honesty

Be honest about what’s going on. Use age-appropriate language, but be honest. “People are fighting, and some are getting hurt. There isn’t a lot we can do, but we can pray/send good thoughts/donate our allowance. If you were in that situation, what would you hope someone would do for you?”
Be honest about how it will affect us. Again, use age-appropriate language, but be honest. “The biggest changes we are seeing right now are increases in gas and food prices. That means we are going to have to be more mindful of how much we use the car. We’ll walk the dog to the post office instead of driving there!” Be open and honest as the situation changes…because this is an ever-evolving situation, and none of us know exactly what lies ahead.

Here’s the thing, friend… Sometimes how we talk to children about war is how we need to talk to each other about war — with openness, compassion, and honesty.

What else would you add to this list? Parents, educators, experts, what would you add? Leave your additions in the comments so we can all learn from each other!