Protest (Or, How To Survive Anorexia)

When the dietitian calls you non-compliant,
you’ll want to protest.
Silently, of course,
because Anorexia has taught you
to sit down and shut up;
don’t disrupt,
don’t draw attention,
don’t ask for what you need.
You need nothing.
You deserve nothing.
You are nothing.

When the doctor looks you over
from head to toe and says,
“You don’t look like you have an eating disorder,”
you’ll want to protest.
You’ll want to steam at the top of your boiling kettle lungs,
but you won’t,
because maybe she’s right…
maybe you’re not really sick.
Maybe you really are fine.
See, even the doctor thinks so.
And when she rolls her eyes at your request for labs,
Anorexia will say, “See what a burden you are?”
And you’ll be too tired to protest.

Your brain will hold onto that –
use that against you.
“See what a burden you are?”
“See what a burden you are?”
“See what a burden you are?”

Your therapist will say,
“No wonder you’re exhausted.
No wonder this is hard.
No wonder…”

And you will breathe again.
You will feel seen –
even if the light only peeks around
the darkest corner of the deepest, emptiest
cavern of your soul,
you will feel seen,
and you’ll know:
Compassion can still find you here.

Anorexia will feel scared.
She’ll show her teeth and dig in her claws
and it will hurt –
it hurts to be ripped to shreds
from the inside.
But inside you’ll know:
Compassion can still find her here.

When you’ve seen your new dietitian 3 times
and the word “compliance” has not once
left her lips,
you’ll feel a sense of relief
you didn’t know you needed.

Anorexia will brace herself
for what’s coming –
what always comes.
She’ll be ready to protest,
to dig in her claws
and hold on with every ounce of strength
she’s gathered over the last 20 years.

She’s strong…
But you are stronger.
And compassion will still find you here.
Compassion can always find you here.