Hurricane Ana

It’s been a minute since I’ve written. There’s no real reason for that.

I mean, besides trying to simultaneously survive a global pandemic, a blizzard (in Texas), a hurricane, a full-time job, full-time school, and full-time recovery.

But really, the biggest thing keeping me from writing is the hurricane.

I know you probably think I’ve finally lost it. But just go with me for a sec…

See, I think things are easier to talk about when they have names. After all, isn’t that why they name storms? Meteorologists began naming tropical storms and hurricanes a long time ago in order to help people communicate about them more effectively. This allowed people to stay safer because they knew that a particular storm was headed their way.

The other night I was reading a book that I absolutely should not be reading at this point in my life. But ya know what’s fun about intelligent, logical, intuitive, little ol’ me? I sometimes do things that trigger myself. Like reading a book about a girl who survives a suicide attempt and is wrestling with depression and loss and all the things that led her to said suicide attempt…when I’m in the middle of a deep, dark depression, myself.

I don’t know why I do it. Don’t ask me. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Anyway…I was reading this book, and I told my Treatment Twin about it. I told her that I tried reading it a few months ago, but it was too triggering, so I put it away for another time. Her response was, “Now seems like the perfect time😂”

Obviously. During a depression, such as this.

And naturally, my mind went from depression, to tropical depression, to hurricane in .3 seconds.

I asked my Treatment Twin what I should name it, and she suggested Ana. Ya know, for Anorexia💁🏻‍♀️

Y’ALL. The first name on the 2021 list of hurricane names is Ana. I’m not even kidding.

So, while depression is a bitch and I hate it and it makes it hard to get out of bed most days (and even harder to do all the things once I do eventually manage to get out of bed…ya know, things like survive a pandemic and a blizzard and a full-time job and full-time school and full-time recovery), it makes it a teeeeeensy bit better to be able to call it Hurricane Ana.

Like I said, it’s easier to talk about things that have a name.

I don’t know how long Hurricane Ana will last. I honestly can’t even tell you how long this particular storm has been raging – a couple of months, at least? I don’t know, time is a tricky thing in the middle of a blizzard that’s in the middle of a hurricane that’s in the middle of a global pandemic that has lasted nearly a year now.

Hurricane Ana doesn’t take a break because there’s a blizzard. It doesn’t settle TF down because I’m busy studying for a midterm I don’t even know if I’ll be able to take this week, because nobody knows if/when we’ll have electricity, because Texas isn’t set up to handle a blizzard. It doesn’t say, “Hey, let’s give Mary a break today. She seems a bit on-edge.”

Nah, Hurricane Ana don’t stop for NOBODY.

So, what are we to do?

We brace ourselves for the storm. We search for peace and calm inside of the storm. We do the things that let the light in. We remind ourselves that the sun exists, even when we can’t see it. And we remember, it can’t rain forever.

And we name our depression “Hurricane Ana” because somewhere deeeeeeep inside, it makes us almost chuckle when we think about it.