“I’m FIIIIIIIINE” And Other Lies

I promised to always be honest and as open as possible with you guys, especially when it comes to mental health. Because the more we’re willing to share honestly, the more we remove the stigma surrounding mental health.

So with that in mind, I want to share a little about what’s been going on in my world.

One word: Relapse.

It’s an ugly word. A painful word. A word full of judgment and emotion. A word I thought I was immune from.

Turns out, I’m not immune.

I’ve found myself – again – in need of treatment, not only for my eating disorder, but for severe, crippling depression and anxiety.

I’ve fought the idea of going back to treatment for months. “I don’t want to do this again,” I told my team. “I’m fiiiiiiiiiine, I just need to suck it up and eat the food and do the things. It’s not THAT bad.”

I know, I know, it even sounds like a bunch of bullshit.

After a lot of convincing and contemplating and crying and questioning, I finally agreed. Because it IS that bad.

Hiding it, pretending it doesn’t exist, faking it, ignoring it…none of that is helpful. None of that moves me closer to recovery. None of that is serving me.

So, a little over three weeks ago, I hopped on a plane and headed to Chicago to residential treatment. I had no idea how long I’ll be here, what it would be like, or really what to expect.

All I knew was, I’m ready to keep putting in the hard work to get better.

Because this is what it’s all about: getting better.

Not being “fixed” or “cured” – but moving forward, making progress, taking steps toward recovery.

Recovery looks different than I expected. There are a lot more ups, and a lot more downs than I anticipated. I always envisioned a slow, steady climb upward. Instead, there are so many twists and turns, so many ups and downs and roundabouts.

But I’m grateful for the opportunity to spend this time working on me. To focus on getting stronger in my recovery, learning who I am and what I want, and creating space for myself to exist as a whole person rather than simply a walking eating disorder.

Perhaps the biggest, most important thing I’ve learned through this process is that it’s okay to not be “fine.” It’s okay to have needs. It’s okay to exist as I am.

I’m learning to not hide behind “I’m fiiiiine” and other lies like that.

I wonder if there are any lies you find yourself hiding behind? I wonder what it would be like to challenge those lies? To give yourself permission to stick your head out from behind the lie and allow yourself to exist as you are? To allow yourself to have needs and wants?

Just some thoughts 😉

As for treatment…it’s hard. It’s uncomfortable. Some days I really, really hate it here. And other days, I’m so grateful to have this space to learn and grow and recover.

I’m hopeful. And hope is a powerful thing.